


Lmao we need therapy- miraculous ladybug group chat

by orphan_account



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: :), Chatting & Messaging, Chloè redemption, Everyone will show up eventually - Freeform, Fuck Gabriel Agreste Rights, Juleka is just collecting blondes, Lila doesn't exist because ya know, Multi, Sabrina's dad most of the time too, Texting, and Chloe's mom, based off actual events froma group chat, chatfic, im just as confused as you are, lmao jagged is the couffaine dad but anarka is the only one who Knows™, maybe???, no dont ask, oh yeah, reasons, songfic??
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: No outrageous salt, no Lila, just crack and dumb jokes
Relationships: Chloé Bourgeois/Juleka Couffaine
Comments: 7
Kudos: 91





	1. Chapter 1

List of Chat names:

Marinette: B-B-BREAD BABEY

Adrien: peanut butter

Nino: Alexa play baby shark

Alya: it's the flannel isn't it

Juleka: crunchy roach take me home

Rose: no stain no murder

Marc: Pls I'm dyin

Nathaniel: Nathaniel

Alix: hee-heelies

Sabrina: the birds

Chloe: Spongebob

Max: Gamer Girl Bathwater

Luka: in danger

Sexuality head canons(?) 

Marinette- boi that's a bi disaster

Adrien- that's a whole pan

Chloe- lesbian

Sabrina- Ace lesbian

Alix- ace and prolly aro(might change) 

Juleka: unpopular opinion she's bi

Rose: pan or bi

Nino: Ace, bi

Marc: I would love for him to be non binary but I'd feel like really super bad if I accidentally misgendered him, so yeah Marc is gay

Nathaniel:disaster pan

Alya: bi


	2. Macked Cheese

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien thought creating a group chat so he could easily talk to his friends was a good idea. It almost was

Adrien has added 10 people to Untitled

Adrien: Hewwo?   
Adrien: Hewwo cwassmates

Marinette: Adrien what the hell

Adrien: I made a group chat

Nathaniel: but why  
Nathaniel: only to suffer? 

Adrien: mayhaps  
Adrien: oaky we need names

Marinette: oaky

Nathaniel: oaky

Adrien: shut  
Adrien has changed Marinette to B-B-BREAD BABEY

B-B-BREAD BABEY: :/

B-B-BREAD BABEY has changed Adrien to peanut butter

Peanut butter: my hair doesn't look like peanut butter stop bulli me bread lady

Nathaniel: lmao

Peanut butter: math why is ur name locked

Nathaniel: math

B-B-BREAD BABEY: math

Nathaniel: because rose kept changing it to copy pastas

Peanut butter:??? 

Nathaniel: idk she kept finding my phone??   
Nathaniel: juleka just laughed at me when I told her because "rOsE wOuLd NeVeR" 

Juleka: softly but with emotion: don't 

Peanut butter: !   
Peanut butter: a lurker

B-B-BREAD BABEY: you need a name now

Nathaniel: I got one  
Nathaniel has changed Juleka to crunchy roach take me home

crunchy roach take me home:   
crunchy roach take me home: I can't believe the absolute betrayal

Peanut butter: ???? 

Nathaniel: don't ask

Rose: I can't believe the absolute disrespect

B-B-BREAD BABEY: get her Adrien

Peanut butter: lmao okay  
Peanut butter has changed Rose to No stain no murder

No stain no murder: I mean  
No stain no murder: you're not wrong

Peanut butter: we gotta drag more lurkers out

B-B-BREAD BABEY: lmao okay  
B-B-BREAD BABEY: ladybug sucks

Alya: excuse

B-B-BREAD BABEY: got er

Peanut butter: Gabriel Agreste is a good dad

Nino: lies 

Peanut butter: gotten

Nino: :(

Peanut butter: no don't be sad I take it back I'm sorry

Nino: lol 

B-B-BREAD BABEY has changed Alya to its the flannel isn't it

It's the flannel isn't it: I can't believe

Peanut butter changed Nino to Alexa play baby shark

Alexa play baby shark: I can't believe you've done this

Peanut butter: okay roll call who we missing

Peanut butter: Adrien

B-B-BREAD BABEY: Marinette

It's the flannel isn't it: Alya

Alexa play baby shark: Nino 

No stain no murder: Rose! 

Crunchy roach take me home: Juleka, regrettably

Nathaniel: Guess

Marc: I was lurking

Sabrina: me as well

Chloe: I was making macked cheese

Peanut butter: ??? 

Chloe: shut

Marc had changed Marc to pls I'm dyin

Peanut butter has changed Sabrina to The birds

The birds: ? 

Peanut butter: you work for the bergoiuse

Chloe: wow ignoring your utterly ridiculous spelling  
Chloe has changed Chloe to Spongebob

B-B-BREAD BABEY: ?? Is it because ur yellow

Spongebob: probably

Spongebob has changed Alix to Hee-heelies

Hee-heelies: fuck  
Hee-heelies: I thought if I didn't talk youd forget I was here

Nathaniel: nice try

Spongebob: I think I killed sonic  
Spongebob: this isn't dms how delete??? 

Crunchy roach take me home: congratulations you played urself

Spongebob: why are all the couffaine's jolly ranchers tho

Crunchy roach take me home:   
Crunchy roach take me home: how dare

Spongebob: are you feeling disrespect In the chili's

Crunchy roach take me home: I'm gonna break into ur house and move all ur furniture three inches to the left

Spongebob: slightly terrifying

Crunchy roach take me home: goonwneshnene  
Crunchy roach take me home: juleka is unavailable at the moment would you like to take a message

Peanut butter: ?? Who be??? 

Crunchy roach take me home: it's me, luka

No stain no murder: can we have the purple one back

Crunchy roach take me home: she's trying to find me  
Crunchy roach take me home: the red robbins trick doesn't work twice people  
Crunchy roach take me home: uh she foundsjendd  
Crunchy roach take me home: I have returned

Spongebob: good. 

No stain no murder: rip luka 

Crunchy roach take me home: he was too young

Alexa play baby shark: you're the one that killed him

Crunchy roach take me home: wow look at the time it's nobody asked you o'clock

Alexa play baby shark: The Plan™ is almost ready

Crunchy roach take me home: Good. 

B-B-BREAD BABEY: ominous

Alexa play baby shark: lmao we're gonna kidnap Adrien

Crunchy roach take me home: as protector of the blondes™ im helping

Peanut butter: wait what

Alexa play baby shark: juleka ur mom is terrifying

Crunchy roach take me home: I know.   
Crunchy roach take me home: anyway we're off to steal Adrien

Peanut butter: wait what


	3. Does is jagged couffaine dad?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

Untitled Chat

Peanut butter: I didn't expect you to actually show up  
Peanut butter: I should have known better   
Peanut butter: were the eggs really necessary tho?

Country roach take me home: yeah

Alexa play baby shark: absolutely

Peanut butter: isn't that kinda illegal

Country roach take me home: nothing is truly illegal if ur a couffaine or associate

Peanut butter: that's fair  
Peanut butter: where are we going

Alexa play baby shark: Boat. 

Country roach take me home: home

Peanut butter: is the crunchy roach guiding us

Country roach take me home: he will be if u don't hush your teeth

B-B-Bread Babey: this isn't even the first time juleka has tried to kidnap someone  
*cough* kagami *cough*

It's the flannel isn't it: hey, alya here, juleka is there something living under ur boat??? 

Crunchy roach take me home: oh  
Crunchy roach take me home: most likely

It's the flannel isn't it: that's normal and not terrifying at all

Crunchy roach take me home: I mean it's probably not really dangerous  
Crunchy roach take me home: jagged comes over to help with ks practice and fang swims around there

It's the flannel isn't it: ʕ ·ᴥ·ʔ

B-B-BREAD BABEY: ʕ·ᴥ· ʔ

Peanut butter: the fuck

CHAT- conspiracy theory

B-B-BREAD BABEY: add that to the list

Hee-Heelies: on it

Chat- untitled

Peanut butter: we need a name

Chat changed- does is Spongebob gay? 

Peanut butter:ʕ ㅇ ᴥ ㅇʔ

Country roach take me home: we been knew

Spongebob: we really did tho  
Spongebob: I'm lesbab  
Spongebob: lesbein  
Spongebob: lesbain

Peanut butter: it's okay take ur time

Spongebob: girls

Hee-Heelies: go the fuck to sleep it's like 3am y'all

Spongebob: y'all

Peanut butter: y'all

B-B-BREAD BABEY: y'all

Country roach take me home: y'all

No stain no murder: y'all

It's the flannel isn't it: y'all

Pls I'm dyin: y'all

Nathaniel: yall

Alexa play baby shark: y'all 

The birds: y'all


	4. I'm sleep deprived so it's the generic 'change their users to their secrets' chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lmao

Group chat- does is Spongebob gay

Spongebob: Adrien can I have mods privileges

Peanut butter: sure

Peanut butter has given Spongebob mod privileges

Spongebob has revoked Peanut butter's mod privileges

Spongebob: betrayal

Peanut butter: I can't believe you've done this

Spongebob has changed 10 names  
Spongebob: let's play a game

Ran into a pole and broke their glasses: the hell  
Ran into a pole and broke their glasses: tHe heLL

Once got stuck in a tree for several hours: lmao  
Once got stuck in a tree for several hours: I swear to fuCK

Once ate an entire jar of pasta sauce: Chloe I told you that in confidence

Spongebob: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

Nathaniel: ha my name is still locked

Spongebob: I saw you eat paper before

Nathaniel: damn okay

Has rode a shopping cart down a hill and broke their arm: fuck

Bit a chair and just kept chewing on it: Rose! 

Spongebob has changed Has rode a shopping cart down a hill and broke their arm to no stain no murder

Tried to eat a banana with the peel still on: rose swore

No stain no murder: and I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling chair biter

Tried to eat a banana with the peel still on: chair biter is Marinette and stuck in the tree was Adrien

Spongebob has changed bit a chair and just kept chewing on it to B-B-BREAD BABEY  
Spongebob has changed once got stuck in a tree for several hours to Peanut butter

Ran into a pole and broke their glasses: Banana peel is Alya

Spongebob has changed tried to eat a banana with the peel still on to It's the flannel isn't it

It's the flannel isn't it: betrayal

No stain no murder: glasses is nino

Spongebob has changed ran into a pole and broke their glasses to Alexa play baby shark

Destroyed an entire bridge: Pasta sauce is Sabrina  
Destroyed an entire bridge: Chloe no

Spongebob:Chloe yes  
Spongebob has changed once ate an entire jar of pasta sauce to The birds

Peanut butter: first of all what the fuck Sabrina second wHo MuRdDrEd A bRidGe

The birds: alix called me a pussy and said I wouldn't

Got run over by a deer: yeah  
Got run over by a deer: fuck

Spongebob has changed got run over by a deer to Hee-heelies

It's the flannel isn't it: quick who's left

Peanut butter: we got Marinette Nino Alya Chloe Sabrina Alix Rose Nathaniel and me  
Peanut butter: so the only ones left are juleka and Marc, 

Painted clear nail polish over a teachers glasses: wut

Nathaniel: that's Marc

Spongebob has changed Painted clear nail polish over a teachers glasses to Pls I'm dying

Peanut butter: which means juleka broke an entire bridge

B-B-BREAD BABEY: wtf juleka

Broke an entire bridge: I can explain  
Broke an entire bridge: one of the flooring akumas got into the seine and just  
Broke an entire bridge: pushed the house boat into a bridge  
Broke an entire bridge: and mayhaps I was the one driving it when it went out of control

Spongebob has changed Broke an entire bridge to Country roach take me home

The birds: okay I think that's enough internet for tonight


	5. :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)

Chat- fuckgabrielagreste2kforever

Crunchy roach take me home: I'm just saying it would be very easy to drown him if he can't swim

No stain no murder: yeah but a gas leak is very common and nobody will think twice

Spongebob: but then we'd have to get everyone but him out of the mansion  
Spongebob: I still think we should just hire a hitman

The birds: what the hell guys

Spongebob: you heard nothing

Chat-does is Spongebob gay

Peanut butter: it just makes more sense nino

Alexa play baby shark: adrien I swear to God  
Alexa play baby shark: three capri suns at once is pushing it  
Alexa play baby shark: 4 is just weird

B-B-BREAD BABEY: don't destroy his dreams nino

Alexa play baby shark: stop enabling him

B-B-BREAD BABEY:mmmmmmm  
B-B-BREAD BABEY: no. 

The birds: I'm   
The birds: I need an adult

Max has been added to the chat

Max- What? 

The birds has changed Max to Gamer Girl Bathwater

Gamer Girl Bathwater:  
Gamer Girl Bathwater: I hate you

The birds: I hate me too

Gamer Girl Bathwater: Sabrina we talked about this

The birds: I know

Peanut butter: hey juleka is jagged stone ur dad? 

Country roach take me home: ??? The fuckbe Deus  
Country roach take me home: luka here  
Country roach take me home: wtf peanut butter  
Country roach take me home:   
Country roach take me home: mom just sighed and left what does that mean???   
Country roach take me home: juleka here

Peanut butter: I'm sorry?

Country roach take me home: I'm having a mental breakdown  
Country roach take me home: might jump into the seine later idk

Spongebob: babe no

B-B-BREAD BABEY: babe?? 

Spongebob: fuck

No stain no murder: why are you running juleka  
No stain no murder: why are you running

Peanut butter: Chloe said "gotta blast" And bolted

Country roach take me home: they been knew

It's the flannel isn't it: luka? 

Country roach take me home: yeah? 

The birds: gottem  
The birds: me and rose already knew

No stain no murder: it's hilarious  
No stain no murder: we're chasing them down now

Spongebob: you'll never take me alive  
Spongebob: we're hiding someplace you'll never look

Gamer Girl Bathwater: Chloe's location is at mari's bakery

Spongebob: why do you hate juleka like this max

B-B-BREAD BABEY: rip juleka I caught her  
Chloe ran right into sabrina and rose

Spongebob: this is juleka  
Spongebob: luka save me

Country roach take me home: haha suffer

Peanut butter: you got caught so as per run from ur problems tag rules apply  
Peanut butter: question time  
Peanut butter: how long have you two been dating? 

Spongebob: almost a month

B-B-BREAD BABEY: how'd you get together

Spongebob: Chloe was basically high from one of the akuma's powers and asked me if my hair tasted like a jolly rancher  
Spongebob: we started hanging out and she asked me out like a month later

Peanut butter: aw

Spongebob: anarka almost dropped me into the seine until juleka told her not to

Peanut butter: did you tell ur parents Chloe? 

Spongebob: no  
Spongebob: my dad would probably be fine with it but my mom is  
Spongebob: not the best  
Spongebob: juleka says she's gonna punch her

Peanut butter: man me too

Spongebob: she's also gonna punch ur dad

Alexa play baby shark: man me too

Spongebob: she said she'd punch Sabrina's dad but anarka called dibs

The birds: aw that's sweet

Spongebob: juleka is heading back to the boat

Crunchy roach take me home: I'm in danger

Spongebob: you know you can just be added to the chat right? 

Crunchy roach take me home: oh  
Crunchy roach take me home: yeah maybe next chapter

The birds: what

Crunchy roach take me home: what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao


	6. ???The Fuck???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I woke up this morning and found this written in my google Docs so like, idfk

The birds: There lived a certain man in Russia long ago

Spongebob: He was big and strong, in his eyes a flaming glow

Crunchy roach take me home: Most people looked at him with terror and with fear

No stain no murder: But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear

Nathaniel: He could preach the Bible like a preacher

B-B-BREAD BABEY: Full of ecstasy and fire

Pls I'm dyin:But he also was the kind of teacher

Gamer Girl Bathwater: Women would desire

It's the flannel isn't it:Ra Ra Rasputin

Alexa play baby shark: Lover of the Russian queen

Peanut butter:There was a cat that really was gone

Hee-heelies: Ra Ra Rasputin

The birds: Russia's greatest love machine

B-B-BREAD BABEY: It was a shame how he carried on

Peanut butter:He ruled the Russian land and never mind the Czar

Crunchy roach take me home: But the kazachok he danced really wunderbar

Hee-heelies: In all affairs of state he was the man to please

Gamer Girl Bathwater: But he was real great when he had a girl to squeeze

Nathaniel: For the queen he was no wheeler dealer

Pls I'm dyin:Though she'd heard the things he'd done

Spongebob: She believed he was a holy healer

No stain no murder: Who would heal her son

Alexa play baby shark:Ra Ra Rasputin

B-B-BREAD BABEY: Lover of the Russian queen

Peanut butter:There was a cat that really was gone

Crunchy roach take me home: Ra Ra Rasputin

No stain no murder:Russia's greatest love machine

Hee-heelies: It was a shame how he carried on

Nathaniel: But when his drinking and lusting

Pls I'm dyin: And his hunger for power

Spongebob: Became known to more and more people

The birds: The demands to do something

It's the flannel isn't it: About this outrageous man

Gamer Girl Bathwater: Became louder and louder

B-B-BREAD BABEY: Oh, those Russians

Gamer Girl Bathwater: well goodnight I'm traumatized


End file.
